There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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