If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
