i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize