but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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