god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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