I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
