Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
