After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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