Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
