She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
