he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
