Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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