I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
