chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
