just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
