im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize