I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
