so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
