im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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