so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
