So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
pray to the hookup gods
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
