Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
