Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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