We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
