She announced her abortion via fbk
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
