Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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