nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
