Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
