get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We talked him into tasing himself.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize