So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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