every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
