Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
