Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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