Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
