I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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