he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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