Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
