life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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