Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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