I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
