John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i think my cat just said my name.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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