I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
