Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize