oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
