if only i could text you this smell
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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