her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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