Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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