My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
