Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
