toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
