People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
