I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
