for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
