i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
