while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
where are my eyebrows?
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