You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
